Illustration of a female lips. (Photo: PerfectVectors via . / iStockphoto)
If you are one of those who think that the preliminaries are a simple procedure (or you skip them directly), pay attention to everything you miss. Adding and improving the preliminaries will mark a before and after in your sexual life.
First of all, it must be clarified that some actions considered preliminary (mutual masturbation, oral sex, use of toys) can be self-sufficient without the need to add penetrative sex afterwards.
Clinical sexologist and sex educator Lawrence Siegel points out that the problem is created by the term preliminaries itself.
“It reaffirms the idea that penetration is the ‘main course,” he explains. Anything that helps intensify sexual desire is good, but whatever we refer to as foreplay can be a complete experience in itself. “
“I like to think of foreplay as a way to create an erotic connection focused on stimulation, both yours and your partner’s, and simply enjoy the excitement,” he explains.
In addition, foreplay has the power to make sexual acts more enjoyable, whatever they may be. Physical contact on the genitals, for example, is pleasant if you have already become aroused, but can be painful otherwise.
“That’s why you don’t have to go directly to the sensitive points: the nipples, the clitoris, the glans …”, says Siegel. “They have to warm up little by little so that the sensations are pleasant and not irritating.”
Below, several experts reveal some of their advice, beyond the usual ones.
1. Start by being a good match outside the bedroom.
“For too long, the preliminaries have been understood as a pre-penetration game: suck here, tap there, whisper this … But the preliminaries can also be small day-to-day actions with which you demonstrate your desire for your partner as a person: putting in the washing machine, fetching your children from school, paying a bill on time … And, of course, don’t do anything that complicates your life even more, like breaking promises or being untrustworthy. Being kind and considerate is another way to be attractive. ” – Tom Murray, Sex, Marriage and Family Therapist.
2. Tell your vices and fantasies to each other
“Play to confess little vices or fantasies that you would like to try, but that makes you nervous. Then choose a night to take the plunge. Sometimes a nudge is all we need to prove it. Just talk it over beforehand and agree on a safe word to interrupt the activity, if necessary. ” – Nazanin Moali, sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast.
3. Stimulate the five senses
“The five senses keep us anchored to the present. For example, pay attention to your partner’s breathing when you are kissing and listen to him hold his breath before you do anything to him. Sometimes a perfume or even the smell of laundry detergent can heat up the preliminaries.
Stand in front of a mirror and see how you react to each touch. Pay attention to the tenderness of the lips, the firmness of the nipples, the moisture of the tongue and the softness of the skin ”. – Goody Howard, sexologist and sex educator.
4. Warm up the atmosphere throughout the day by sending you messages
“The preliminaries can start without even being together. Mentally stimulating your partner before your meeting is an underrated experience. Imagine the excitement you would feel if your partner sent you a hot message now. Words of desire, suggestive photos or, directly, a detailed description of what he is going to do to you ”. – Robin Wilson-Beattie, advocate for the sexuality of people with disabilities.
5. Play tough
“The preliminaries consist of intensifying the desire, and you can also do that by telling the other person that you are not going to let yourself do anything. You can even send him photos of what he won’t be able to touch when he gets home. Even when you’re both naked, keep playing denying your body. That kind of temptation increases the suspense and intensifies the passion. ” – Siegel.
6. Play ‘strip-poker’ or any similar game
“Everyone has heard of strip poker or a game of the same style, but few incorporate it into their sex lives. However, these games add a playful character to sex and regain passion ”. – Eva Bloom, sex educator and YouTuber for the channel What’s My Body Doing ?.
7. Try to minimize stress in your life
Remember: better sex doesn’t always depend on more arousal. Many people focus on arousal and very little on managing stress.
Think about the things that are keeping you from enjoying foreplay. It is much easier to remove the dirty sheets and put the clean ones than to find another job that does not exhaust you mentally, but getting rid of a distraction is already a step forward ”. – Chris Maxwell Rose, founder of PleasureMechanics.com and host of the podcast Speaking of Sex With The Pleasure Mechanics.
8. Reify each other
“I know, I know. Objectifying sounds ugly, and women have been sexually objectified for centuries. However, the fact that you and your partner see each other as sexual objects is central to desire. Obviously, no one wants to be just an object, everyone likes to be valued by the multiple layers of their identity in all their complexity, but if you don’t reify your partner in bed and encourage your partner to reify you too, it will disappear. the desire”. – Murray.
9. Get naked in the water
“Undressing in the water is very exciting. Especially if it is hidden in a hotel, in the pool of an apartment complex or even at night on the beach ”. – Moali.
10. Read erotic literature together
“While you are in bed together, have one of the two (or both, in turns) read erotic literature aloud. It is a very intimate experience that will help you get excited and give you ideas. It also works for long distance relationships. Start a video call and get to work ”. – Bloom.
11. Put on the brakes and end the rush
“It is very easy to go directly to sex taking advantage of the excitement of the moment, but in this rush you are not going to end up satisfied. Put the brakes on. Kiss each other before you undress. Give each other a massage in turns. The less rush you have, the more you will enjoy ”. – Maxwell Rose.
12. Play with the temperature
“With changes in temperature, you will stimulate the sensory nerves of the skin and intensify the excitement. To play with the cold, use ice cubes or dildos fresh from the freezer (especially glass ones). For warmth, try pouring melted wax from a candle onto the other person’s body or try a heat-effect lubricant. ” – Moali.
This article was originally published in the ‘HuffPost’ United States and has been translated from English by Daniel Templeman Sauco.
This article originally appeared on The HuffPost and has been updated.